How I survived* a road trip with a 10 month old. (*barely) Six hours in to our return road trip from Sydney to Melbourne when HE started to grumble. It was a slow build at first. A disgruntled 10-month-old baby, uncertain of where He was, why He was there and understandably annoyed with having to face backwards when all the fun seemed to be happening in the forward-facing seats of the car listening to My Dad Wrote a Porno (what! He’s 10 months old! It’s not like he knows what a taint is any way or how to even put it to good use!) But within minutes’ whatever revelry –…
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- Mums and their sons, parenting, People I don't want to know, Relationships, The Adventures of Mum and Dad, Uncategorized
Worlds Best Parent. Ever. Full Stop.
I have to admit I was riding high, thinking I was the best new mum in the world when I went to my second maternal health check. Sure we didn’t have it all figured out, but from where I stood, we were smashing it – bub was still alive, we were yet to drop him (on a very hard surface) and I’d started vacuuming our carpet at least once a month in anticipation that he might, you know, one day crawl and the last thing I wanted was him choking on the remnants of a truffle flavoured potato crisp from our earlier, decadent child-free days. There was no hiding it,…
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Warning: Toilet Humour (or How I Learnt To P** Again)
I read once that a guy was so constipated that he took a hot shower, bent over and tried to spoon himself out. It was a success and that spoon is supposedly still in circulation today. A true hero’s journey. Why do I mention this? Because I too once thought the idea of removing a shit with a spoon was beneath me, that is until five days after having my son, I found myself hunkered over a hospital toilet, toothbrush in hand, contemplating a similar fate. Here’s the thing. No one tells you that your first shit after having a baby is going to quite possibly be a worse pain…
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With All Seriousness
‘You’re a mum now Lou’ my friend informed me as I sat before her, tea in hand, despair draping my face. ‘You’re going to have to learn to deal with it.’ I silently opened a packet of Teddy Bear biscuits as she continued. ‘You’re just won’t be able to be funny anymore. Happens to the best of us. I use to be fucking Conan O’Brien till I had kids. Now everything I say comes across as if I’m giving a speech at the Hague.’ And just like that, she had confirmed my deepest fears – that now I’m a mum, everything I say and do will forever be read and…
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Hello Leakage, my new friend.
Date night. Soft candles – check Billy Joel love-making soundtrack – check Dog locked out – check Temperature just right – check Billy Joel love-making soundtrack destroyed in mysterious house fire – check Incense…lots of incense…because we can’t quite seem to shake the smell of – ‘Urine’ my partner confirmed. ‘The whole room smells like urine.’ Then he sniffed me. ‘It’s you. You smell like wee.’ ‘That’s ok’ I cooed ‘it’s just a little leak, we can push through.’ I burped – ‘wasn’t me’ I giggled ‘it’s the baby. They must be awake.’ And with that, my partner rolled off me. ‘You really smell like wee, it’s quite intense.’ I…
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Diary of An Adequate Mother
A few months ago I found out I was pregnant. ‘How did this happen?’ I asked legs spread atop the toilet seat, testing for the third time that morning. ‘You pretty much did that’ my boyfriend replied smugly, motioning to my legs akimbo. Now to be perfectly candid, we had talked about having kids for while, even getting a rescue dog at one point and naming it ‘training baby’* but talking is theoretical. I’m the greatest mum in the world, theoretically. A Full House remount is great, theoretically. The new Milo bar was meant to be great, theoretically! My point is, lots of things are great theoretically, but the actual real…
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I love you, just not what you’re into.
Since we nearly broke up a few months into our relationship after I told my Lord of The Rings loving boyfriend (JK) that ‘I didn’t care for fantasy’ I’ve made a concerted effort to champion his interests while remaining detached and uninvolved. Like he’s really into historic drama TV shows – Vikings and Hell on Wheels type stuff. Sometimes he even insists we watch them together so I try and make a game of it, guessing how far into an episode I’ll see a woman’s breast, or her rape or perhaps her sale to a wealthy landowner. He’s also really into reading books about dogs, which is cool, if that’s…
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It’s been 132 days since my last diet.
After over two decades of being on a diet, yep 20 years and I’m only 35 (I could’ve raised a teenager in that time, or at least two primary school aged kids), quitting dieting is like deciding to stop brushing your teeth. It’s gross and there was the chance that giving up on brushing my teeth, like not dieting might also make me less desirable. I mean if I wasn’t lemon detoxing I wasn’t living. That makes me come across like a superficial bitch but you’ve got to understand, for years I’ve seen myself as one of those women that come across like they might be on a diet, could…
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The Importance of Being #beautiful
Dove recently launched another of their ‘every women’ campaigns with #choosebeauty. Their campaigns successfully work on the self-deprecating, self-hating woman, you know, the one that doesn’t know they’re beautiful, like really beautiful inside and out until a major advertising initiative tells them so, all set to muted tones of blue, cream and other unobtainable minimalistic basic design shit. It’s important being beautiful isn’t it? Like really, really important. Forget health, forget love, forget kindness, it’s all about beauty and if you’re not conventionally beautiful that ok because we’ve got you covered – unconventionally beautiful? Or maybe you’re big and beautiful or better yet- beautiful on the inside? Oh man, we’ve…
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What The Big Bang Theory Can’t Teach You – To commit.
I found myself looking at my fiancé last night thinking, that if our relationship had played out on a TV sitcom we would have broken up at least 500 times by now. In truth we haven’t broken up all, not even once, haven’t even got close. Even through all the long distance, the late and complete out of sync work schedules and meeting the parents, we’re still together and happily. That didn’t stop my thinking though that if we were Leonard and Penny in any episode of The Big Bang Theory (TBBT) none of our struggles to stay with the one you love would count for anything, especially if, lets…
