• An adequate mother,  parenting,  pregnancy,  Relationships

    Warning: Toilet Humour (or How I Learnt To P** Again)

    I read once that a guy was so constipated that he took a hot shower, bent over and tried to spoon himself out. It was a success and that spoon is supposedly still in circulation today. A true hero’s journey. Why do I mention this? Because I too once thought the idea of removing a shit with a spoon was beneath me, that is until five days after having my son, I found myself hunkered over a hospital toilet, toothbrush in hand, contemplating a similar fate. Here’s the thing. No one tells you that your first shit after having a baby is going to quite possibly be a worse pain…

  • To whom it concerns...

    Being fat in the ’90s.

    I was fat. See this photo. In this photo what you see here is me, sitting, being fat. I was probably being funny too, cause that’s what fat girls do best, funny. You can’t see it, but I reckon everyone in the room was laughing at something I’d just said. Somebody probably peed his or her pants. So back to the photo and me being fat in it. I know I was fat because at the time this was taken I was constantly being picked on for my weight whether it be by ‘friends’ in the playground, or ‘friends’ of my parents commenting on my ‘full figure’ or my grandmother…

  • Crap Relationships Disclaimer,  Uncategorized

    Matt Day Homewrecker aka Australia’s very own Angelina Jolie

    Last night I was woken by an anxious friend calling me from overseas concerned that her boyfriend was on the verge of cheating on her. ‘It’s horrible, like I know he’s not right now cause he’s making me a smoothie but when he asked if I wanted avocado I just thought of my god that’s her vagina and him making me the smoothie well that’s just him metaphorically f**king her.’ ‘With the avocado?’ ‘No, she is the avocado. Don’t you see?’ ‘He’s not going to cheat on you with an avocado, there’s not enough room’ I mumbled as I rolled onto my side and was greeted with my flashing clock…

  • The Adventures of Mum and Dad

    A girls guide to having an origami (well a rough estimate)

    For years my relationship with my self-esteem has been fraught with friction, none of it helped by my self-esteems amazing ability to fuck off when I quite obviously need it the most.  Such famous incidences include: 1.    The time that in the middle of sex a guy told me he fancied someone else and without the guidance of ‘self-esteem’ I thought what the hell ‘let’s finish what we started, I mean he had to like me to get this far.’ 2.    The time I set my boyfriend up with my friend because she was blonde because as he told me ‘come on Lou, you know this isn’t going to work…

  • Crap Relationships Disclaimer

    You’re a bad girl Lou, bad girl…now pick up your shoe and go!

    Exiting the David Jones food court use to be one of my greatest thrills (understand, I spend most of my day typing words into an inanimate object that fails to engage me in any sort of conversation and no, it’s a not a boy – BAM!) and it was upon making this exit that I ran into a guy called Gareth (yep, let’s call him that cause it’s his real name :)) He was a guy I’d met through friends about 18 months back when I relocated to Melbourne. We got on, he was cute, had brown hair and made me laugh and so we agreed to go and have…