• An adequate mother,  parenting

    Breastfeeding for the well-endowed woman.

    I’ll be honest. Breastfeeding didn’t come easily to me, in no small part due to the enormity of my breasts. At 42HH it wasn’t like I could just drop a silky camisole strap while chatting over a latte, no my breastfeeding experience was far less social and a whole lot more Bad Boy Bubby. To give you an idea of what 42HH looks like –  sure you could Google it (be warned that breast size seems to appear alongside a lot of people who have had concrete ass implants for some reason), or you could imagine two 4 kilo twins dangling from your neck as they punch you repeatedly in…

  • Mums and their sons,  parenting,  People I don't want to know,  Relationships,  The Adventures of Mum and Dad,  Uncategorized

    Worlds Best Parent. Ever. Full Stop.

    I have to admit I was riding high, thinking I was the best new mum in the world when I went to my second maternal health check. Sure we didn’t have it all figured out, but from where I stood, we were smashing it –  bub was still alive, we were yet to drop him (on a very hard surface) and I’d started vacuuming our carpet at least once a month in anticipation that he might, you know, one day crawl and the last thing I wanted was him choking on the remnants of a truffle flavoured potato crisp from our earlier, decadent child-free days. There was no hiding it,…

  • An adequate mother,  parenting,  pregnancy,  Relationships

    Warning: Toilet Humour (or How I Learnt To P** Again)

    I read once that a guy was so constipated that he took a hot shower, bent over and tried to spoon himself out. It was a success and that spoon is supposedly still in circulation today. A true hero’s journey. Why do I mention this? Because I too once thought the idea of removing a shit with a spoon was beneath me, that is until five days after having my son, I found myself hunkered over a hospital toilet, toothbrush in hand, contemplating a similar fate. Here’s the thing. No one tells you that your first shit after having a baby is going to quite possibly be a worse pain…

  • An adequate mother,  I'm not 'special',  Lady stuff,  parenting

    With All Seriousness

    ‘You’re a mum now Lou’ my friend informed me as I sat before her, tea in hand, despair draping my face. ‘You’re going to have to learn to deal with it.’ I silently opened a packet of Teddy Bear biscuits as she continued. ‘You’re just won’t be able to be funny anymore. Happens to the best of us. I use to be fucking Conan O’Brien till I had kids. Now everything I say comes across as if I’m giving a speech at the Hague.’ And just like that, she had confirmed my deepest fears – that now I’m a mum, everything I say and do will forever be read and…

  • An adequate mother,  I'd read this if I was you,  Lady stuff,  parenting,  pregnancy,  Relationships

    Hello Leakage, my new friend.

    Date night. Soft candles – check Billy Joel love-making soundtrack – check Dog locked out – check Temperature just right – check Billy Joel love-making soundtrack destroyed in mysterious house fire – check Incense…lots of incense…because we can’t quite seem to shake the smell of – ‘Urine’ my partner confirmed. ‘The whole room smells like urine.’ Then he sniffed me. ‘It’s you. You smell like wee.’ ‘That’s ok’ I cooed ‘it’s just a little leak, we can push through.’ I burped – ‘wasn’t me’ I giggled ‘it’s the baby. They must be awake.’ And with that, my partner rolled off me. ‘You really smell like wee, it’s quite intense.’ I…

  • An adequate mother,  To whom it concerns...

    Where’s My Murphy Brown?

      Last week as I wandered the streets looking for purpose, I overheard a woman and her friend bemoan the current state of television. ‘I miss family shows you know? Like, The Cosby Show and Hey Dad.’ Her friend nodded in agreement as if she too had been stuck down a mine shaft with her companion for the last three years… I watched as they continued on their way, no doubt going home to old VHS recordings of The Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris Variety Hour while eating Subway sandwiches. Nostalgia can be a powerful thing. It makes us reflect on more ‘wholesome’ times, even if most of the time we…

  • An adequate mother,  I'd read this if I was you,  parenting,  pregnancy

    Dream A Little Dream

    I’ve always been a firm believer that if someone, even with all the best of intentions, feels the need to unburden last night’s dream on you over coffee, it’s ok to end the friendship there and then. They’ll understand. If not, in time they will. They will. But being the massive hypocrite I am, I’m now that friend, the one with the dreams, and I just have to talk about it. The other night I had a dream where I had to mediate the Weasley Twins from Harry Potter as they navigated a polyamorous relationship they were in while identifying as pansexual and admitting an attraction to each other because…

  • An adequate mother,  parenting,  pregnancy

    Diary of An Adequate Mother

    A few months ago I found out I was pregnant.  ‘How did this happen?’ I asked legs spread atop the toilet seat, testing for the third time that morning. ‘You pretty much did that’ my boyfriend replied smugly, motioning to my legs akimbo. Now to be perfectly candid, we had talked about having kids for while, even getting a rescue dog at one point and naming it ‘training baby’* but talking is theoretical. I’m the greatest mum in the world, theoretically. A Full House remount is great, theoretically.  The new Milo bar was meant to be great, theoretically! My point is, lots of things are great theoretically, but the actual real…

  • She got in trouble again

    How being Confirmed only confirmed I couldn’t be Catholic anymore.

    ‘The day of my Confirmation arrived and I marked it by wearing a brand new pair of floral culottes and a cream gypsy blouse. I knew how to play the game and had dressed accordingly – as an adult virgin.’ It’s not easy been 12 years old at the best of times but for me in 1991 things were tough. I’d lost out on the school captaincy by one vote because my rival had strategically asked one of the more influential voters of my year out on a date prior to the election, and as such, defeated, I’d been relegated to Vice School Captain. They didn’t have a badge for…