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    Adventures with plastic babies and other things I’m not allowed to play with

    Dragging a discarded bassinet through the streets of Brunswick I couldn’t help but marvel at the wonder that is ‘hard rubbish day’ as I yelled out at no one in particular ‘has anyone seen my baby? I told her to hold on…damn babies.’ My housemate said nothing as I dragged my latest find into our house. After a moment the tension got too much. ‘Do you really think we need more bassinets in the house, you know given you don’t have an actual baby?’ ‘You say that like I’ve got a hidden stash of bassinets hidden under my bed, like some sort of crazy baby lady.’ We both said nothing.…

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    I prefer to handle my own dishes

    I’m never good at buying Christmas presents. I always seem to get outdone. Like the year I got my friend a double pass to the movies and then his girlfriend rail roaded me by giving him a baby. It’s not that a Hoyts cinema pass can’t compete with a new born child; it was just the way she did it, all legs akimbo screaming his name. I went for a more a dignified approach having placed his tickets in a carefully chosen Wrongside card which featured the adventures of a dog trying to teach his owner how to roller skate. Classic Sanz. I remember months later he rang me up…

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    I’d prefer a gift voucher over you for Christmas, no offence.

    I’ve never been one for Christmas parties, or parties in general. A lot of forced conversations with people I wouldn’t normally make eye contact with on a tram, who make remarks about nuts, giggle at the word nuts, have a few drinks and then later in the evening ask you if you like nuts, giggle when you say you’re partial to a cashew, then pull their own ready-packed nuts out and ask you to sit on them. Over the years I’ve become a virtual hermit when it comes to the festive season, I’ve also developed an acute allergic reaction to nuts. But this year I changed my mind. I decided…

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    Sexy adventures with Cankle Lady

    Coming home from a gig on Saturday night realising that if I managed to make it home by 9pm The Bill would be in full throttle and even with my comprehensive knowledge of back-story I’d struggle to keep up, I stood waiting for the illustrious No 19 tram. Not to worry, I wasn’t alone. I had the luck of keeping company with a couple of teenagers/burgeoning football team and when I say a couple I mean not enough to terrify me into a gang bang, but enough to have quite clearly justified their purchase of two slabs of Jim Bean & Coke. Not that I’m a snob in the traditional…

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    I like my friends, conditionally.

    I like my friends. I find it helps. However sometimes I get the distinct impression that if faced with a ravenous mega crocodile in a swamp they would throw a bucket of fish guts over me and then run for the hills watching from afar as I get torn limb from limb, stopping only to remark to each other ‘poor Lou, she’s just always in the wrong place at the wrong time.’ This thought came about after a good friend of the ‘I just met him at the gym and he was the one and now we’ve bought a split level apartment together in Woollahra and I thought I knew…

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    A minor faux pas

    Standing on my train station platform I thought about my new financial year resolution; to move away from meeting men at arts industry based events such as music festivals/ library borrowing queues / openings/ other festivals/ readings and the video store. So far it was going well; I hadn’t left my house in over a month. Eventually however, after advice on airing out my bedroom I found myself on a train station platform with a good looking young man standing next to me. Sure it was a crowded platform and one could argue there were really no other options as to where he might stand but in my mind what…

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    Helen Mirren and Me

    It's a sad day financially and personally when you find yourself standing at the frozen food aisle at 9 o'clock on a Saturday night staring at the home brand frozen French fries, complaining into your mobile to a friend that you refuse to spend more than $3.68 on fries, but that said, a potato gem, well one can't place a monetary value on genius.

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    I’ve started wearing tracksuits

    Often when one thinks of romance we conjure up images of young, nubile (look, maybe that’s just me and my penchant for being able to bounce things off walls) creatures, fornicating on a deserted beach at sunset, declaring a love that need not speak its name, unapologetically crushing the pink tinged roses he’d bought her at the start of their date… To be honest though, after years of getting sand in my crutch and never been given flowers, when I think of romance it’s slightly more evolved, having changed from whispers of sweet nothings to something more along the lines of that if I’ve been seeing a guy for a…

  • She got in trouble again,  Uncategorized

    oh the drama of the dramatic

    I experienced my first walk out the other night at comedy festival. A young couple who seated themselves so far back, I thought for a moment they were trying to position themselves to also catch a glimpse of the other show in the next room, at the very least to experience the touch of faux velvet curtains adorning the makeshift theatre against the whites of their skin. What amused me about it all was the timing. Having just knocked out a bit about a finger assault of the insertion variety, I could admit ‘ok, not everyone’s cup of tea’, but to walk out in the middle of my ode to…

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    An extract from my new children’s book “Ok, so you’re a mistake”

    At first glance people often thought Cathy was an ethnic, but the truth was she was just nicotine stained, a result of her mother smoking whilst pregnant with her. The way her mother had seen it, it wasn’t like a barely formed foetus even had actual lungs and in her defence she had quit after 4 months, acknowledging the legal ambivalence that goes with aborting after 16 weeks; so in her mother’s words “she had done her best”, and hey, at least Cathy hadn’t been her older brother or sister her mother often reminded her. ‘But I don’t have any siblings’ Cathy would remark. ‘Exactly’ her mother reaffirmed. Cathy was…