• Mums and their sons,  parenting,  People I don't want to know,  Relationships,  The Adventures of Mum and Dad,  Uncategorized

    Worlds Best Parent. Ever. Full Stop.

    I have to admit I was riding high, thinking I was the best new mum in the world when I went to my second maternal health check. Sure we didn’t have it all figured out, but from where I stood, we were smashing it –  bub was still alive, we were yet to drop him (on a very hard surface) and I’d started vacuuming our carpet at least once a month in anticipation that he might, you know, one day crawl and the last thing I wanted was him choking on the remnants of a truffle flavoured potato crisp from our earlier, decadent child-free days. There was no hiding it,…

  • An adequate mother,  parenting,  pregnancy,  Relationships

    Warning: Toilet Humour (or How I Learnt To P** Again)

    I read once that a guy was so constipated that he took a hot shower, bent over and tried to spoon himself out. It was a success and that spoon is supposedly still in circulation today. A true hero’s journey. Why do I mention this? Because I too once thought the idea of removing a shit with a spoon was beneath me, that is until five days after having my son, I found myself hunkered over a hospital toilet, toothbrush in hand, contemplating a similar fate. Here’s the thing. No one tells you that your first shit after having a baby is going to quite possibly be a worse pain…

  • An adequate mother,  Lady stuff,  Mums and their sons,  parenting,  pregnancy,  Relationships,  She got in trouble again,  The Adventures of Mum and Dad

    Best Birth-Day Ever

    By the time I reached 36 weeks, I think it’s fair to say, I was not the poster girl for pregnancy. I was the pregnant woman anyone thinking of getting pregnant needed to avoid at all costs. There was no glow. No increased libido. No ethereal photoshoot by the seaside with my partner’s arms wrapped around my naked belly. Wheelchair-bound thanks to crippling back pain, vaginal spasms (yes, yes it’s completely ok to be aroused by my writing of ‘vaginal spasms’’), a 35 kilo weight gain and a constant flow of discharge – I looked like and felt like a creature you’d find living under a bridge, picking at an…

  • An adequate mother,  I'd read this if I was you,  Lady stuff,  parenting,  pregnancy,  Relationships

    Hello Leakage, my new friend.

    Date night. Soft candles – check Billy Joel love-making soundtrack – check Dog locked out – check Temperature just right – check Billy Joel love-making soundtrack destroyed in mysterious house fire – check Incense…lots of incense…because we can’t quite seem to shake the smell of – ‘Urine’ my partner confirmed. ‘The whole room smells like urine.’ Then he sniffed me. ‘It’s you. You smell like wee.’ ‘That’s ok’ I cooed ‘it’s just a little leak, we can push through.’ I burped – ‘wasn’t me’ I giggled ‘it’s the baby. They must be awake.’ And with that, my partner rolled off me. ‘You really smell like wee, it’s quite intense.’ I…

  • Relationships

    Teaching Your Lover to Drive by Lou Sanz

      Over the last few months I’ve been teaching my boyfriend to drive. Life got in his way and he never got around to getting it. I’ve learnt to accept this excuse as an ingrained narrative of how his life has played out thus far. Relationships I’ve learnt, for the most part are a lot about letting things slide. I’m good like that. The first thing you’ll realise when teaching a lover as opposed to a child to drive is that deep down you still have a need for them to not leave you and to like you, really like you. You also have to make sure their self-esteem is…