• Life,  People I don't want to know,  Social media

    How to unsuccessfully sell your stuff on Facebook.

    Want to know how not to sell successfully on Facebook? You’ve come to the right place. Over the last fortnight, I’ve become a self-declared expert in the field of trying to relieve yourself of goods for cash on the cesspool that is Facebook marketplace. Be optimistic A few years ago much like many near-middle-age white people of means, I watched a Netflix film on Minimalism and set about selling off all the things I had, most of which I would have to buy again six months later. My partner and I, new to the neighbourhood had done what most of us do when looking for community do these days –…

  • Mums and their sons,  parenting,  People I don't want to know,  Relationships,  The Adventures of Mum and Dad,  Uncategorized

    Worlds Best Parent. Ever. Full Stop.

    I have to admit I was riding high, thinking I was the best new mum in the world when I went to my second maternal health check. Sure we didn’t have it all figured out, but from where I stood, we were smashing it –  bub was still alive, we were yet to drop him (on a very hard surface) and I’d started vacuuming our carpet at least once a month in anticipation that he might, you know, one day crawl and the last thing I wanted was him choking on the remnants of a truffle flavoured potato crisp from our earlier, decadent child-free days. There was no hiding it,…

  • An indulgence of sorts...,  I'd read this if I was you,  I'm not 'special',  People I don't want to know

    Australia, the land where wog brown isn’t real brown.

      I read an article in The Age recently, because yes, the newsagency had sold out of Grazia – BAM! No, I was really reading The Age and no it wasn’t something I’d already read a week earlier on the Guardian Newspaper website and then was re-reading syndicated as ‘our’ news in ‘our’ newspaper, no this was proper Australian news, an entire article devoted to the ‘perish the thought’ idea that Australian women are more likely to list their ‘absolutely cannot live without beauty treatment’ as spray tanning over leg waxing, like I said my brain is actually perishing at the thought. I mean imagine the site of it, furry…

  • People I don't want to know

    How Dannii Minogue saved humanity…

    I’m really going to stop walking home. Sure I need the exercise but for the sake of my sanity and at the risk of exacerbating my already impotent nature when it comes to relating to the average person, I really think I must stop. To be honest though, this is not something that has gradually been eating away at me, adding to my state of restless sleep and unsatisfying daily minutiae; it has it’s nexus firmly rooted in an encounter I had on Tuesday, and before you judge me with me with your judging hats (I should know, I own 3 in various colours) this is not an over reaction,…

  • People I don't want to know

    The delicate art of c**t flashing.

    In my lifetime I’ve seen more vagina then frankly I’ve ever needed to see. I have my own you see, and so from where I stand my dance card is full so to speak – I do not need to yours, little miss ‘my boyfriend left me at the races after fingering me near the starters gates, and I think I’ve vomited on my shoes and that’s why I’m sitting with my legs spread and talking on my iPhone and now it’s itchy and so now she starts scratching it…’ – oh for the love of god, this recent popularity in minge flashing has to stop! Now look, it’s not…

  • People I don't want to know

    I wear eyeliner

    I wear eyeliner.   I make no apologies for that, but when it results in me getting forcibly removed from a stationary train…I start to get a little pissy. 

   For some reason I often get mistaken for a hair dresser, even the girls that have been doing my nails for the past few months still think that, even though I have corrected them on many an occasion. Comments about how my eyes are tired from staring at a computer screen all day, how I adore their hand massages because as a ‘writer’ my wrists feel constantly strained (and this is not due to being a chronic self pleasure as…

  • People I don't want to know

    Friends you never wanted to have – example 1

    The smell of freshly urinated grass first thing in the morning can’t truly be described by anyone that hasn’t awoken on a bit of lawn, skirt riding up around their waist and the promise that this might be their last day on earth, but believe me I did not set out to finish up this way… My friend Steve and I weren’t spending enough time together. He was insistent we meet up on the weekend and have a good chin wag, it was comments like that that had led me to push away from Steve, but like a cat trying to get a dead bird out of skirting boards he…

  • People I don't want to know

    She won’t stop wearing eye make-up…whore.

    I wear eyeliner. I make no apologies for that, but when it results in me getting forcibly removed from a stationary train…I start to get a little piss For some reason I often get mistaken for a hair dresser, even the girls that have been doing my nails for the past few months still think that, even though I have corrected them on many an occasion. Comments about how my eyes are tired from staring at a computer screen all day, how I adore their hand massages because as a ‘writer’ my wrists feel constantly strained (and this is not due to being a chronic self pleasurer as some might…