Edition 3 24/08/10
Dear Lou My girlfriends stomach keeps getting bigger. How do I tell her to stop eating so much?
Dear Stomach Turner, Like most things in life I think you’ll find the answer lies in a compromise. I suspect if you were to stop filling her with sperm, cause let me guess, she’s pregnant, then she’d stop eating for two.
Trust me once her vagina stretches so that an another human being can fit out of it (as opposed to into it, which is probably the root cause of your initial concern) then her stomach getting bigger, well that will be the least of your worries. If you find that her stomach is still getting bigger even after she’s had the baby, then it shouldn’t be too hard for her find a boyfriend, after all at some point in her life she thought settling on you was a good idea. Love Lou x
Dear Lou What are you doing right now? Dear Overinterested, ….quite clearly I’m just waiting for my bath to run and biding my time by rubbing coconut oil into my big, large, engorged… Actually right now I’m watching some friends of mine in Indianapolis, USA make lunch and eating grapes with my right hand. This is a big deal because I’m usually left handed, but clearly not when it comes to eating grapes. LoveLou x Dear Lou I sometimes struggle to walk in a straight line after an evening of hookers, cocaine, buggery and Jagermeister shots. I’m worried I might have MS. Do you think I should go see a doctor? No. You should stop breathing. L x
Edition 2 12/08/10
Dear Lou,
I keep having this recurring dream that plagues me. What do you think it means?
The Dreamer
Dear Dreamer,
Gee, there’s just so much for me to take in from your question…best give me a moment so I can gather my thoughts…
(Lou takes a moment)
So what does your dream mean? I can honestly say from what you’ve told me, it means nothing. Nothing at all.
Now armed with the information I just gave you (see above) might I suggest every night before you go to bed to be ‘plagued’ by dreams that you take two codeine tablets and a glass of wine of your choice. I myself favour a nice shiraz.
Sure, some might argue that my advice is dangerous and irresponsible and there is every chance that by mixing over the counter meds and alcohol you might not wake up from your dreams, but let me assure you, whatever the outcome it will be worth it to escape the obvious hell you’re trapped in.
Best of luck with everything.
x
Lou
Dear Lou, I think I might have met the one? But do you really think there is such a thing – a one for everyone?
Dear Hope for Humanity,
We’ve all been there, thought we’ve met the illustrious ‘one’. It’s hard not to think that when they send you sonnets inspired by your own smell (cigarettes, honey and Savers), a list of words that rhyme with your name (cue, shoe, loo and glue) and then they top it all off by tracking down the girl who pushed you off some playground equipment when you were just seven resulting in a fear of all things tambark and a nose that now sits slightly left of your face and they key, ‘You’re the child your father never wanted’ into the side of their car – I mean if that’s not evident of ‘one’ like behaviour, then I’m not ethnically ambiguous. The problem with the one though is that eventually they start fucking someone else behind your back resulting in you confronting them about it and them justifying their actions by saying it’s not really cheating because they think of you as a sister and you can’t cheat on a sister now can you…
Is there a one for everyone? Look maybe 100 years ago there was and if you’re a gay man then your chances are rather high given the massive gender inbalance that is predicted to result in the next 50 years given the mass of genderside in countries like China and India where babies born with vaginas are systemically killed off because they are seen to offer no value to society – but hey, thank god for human trafficking right? Gotta love a perpetual cycle of supply and demand – nothing stops anyone in the search for ‘the one’….makes me all teary just thinking about that eternal quest for true love…
If you’ve found the one then great – just remember to use a condom and keep up those annual STI checks. Everyone should get ‘cleaned’ at least once a year.
I’ll leave you with this – life ain’t Noah’s Arc…yep, deep.
x
Lou
If you have a question for next week head to http://www.formspring.me/lousanzcares and follow at Twitter/lousanz
Edition 1 05/08/10
Hi Lou – I keep seeing your look-a-like everywhere, should I ask for her name, in case you actually have a long-lost twin like we all wished we had?
Look, I really wish you wouldn’t and here’s why:
A friend of mine was in a bathroom at a nightclub on Taylor’s Square Sydney one night when this guy looked up at her from down on his knees and remarked that from that particular angle she looked like Anne Marie from Big Brother.
As a result she never let him go down on her in a bathroom stall ever again.
Do you see my point? I don’t need to meet my doppelganger, much like you didn’t ever need to hear that story.
Hi Lou – I’ve thought of someone from Twitter while having sex (I think you know who). How can I curb that fantasy? (Only happened once btw)
OK this is awkward, my first column and already fan mail. Firstly I’ll start with the niceties and say I’m flattered, heck even somewhat curious as to what said fantasy might entail. Part of me wishes it involves a cake bake sale, a nervous first time scone eater and the world’s largest root vegetable, the parsnip, a common fantasy of mine of late.
Secondly, I’ll just say, Twitter! Really?
Scoffing aside, I’ll try and understand you before I judge you. Listen anyone can appear sexy, intriguing, worth your last prophylactic and a thorough shower with your ‘special occasion’ body-wash with only a 140 character limit but let me tell you, they, these Twitter lotharios you lust for in your swivel chair whilst downloading episodes of The First Tuesday Book Club and hash tagging #qanda have ingrown hairs on the inside of their thighs just like everyone else, maybe even more in the hotter months due to chaffing.
At the end of the day people often say fantasies are harmless, but where I come from we like to call that sentiment ‘a little bit of bullshit.’ So my suggestion to curb you fantasising ways is to watch The Never Ending Story II and take note of Jonathan Brandis. I’m not going to go into details, it’s not my place – Wikipedia it (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonathan_Brandis). If Twitter had existed during the dizzying days of Alta Vista, he would’ve been the one for me.
Sure there’s a chance that your Twitter crush might feel the same for you, but this, an advice column, is not the place to go into that..Saturday night around 10 o’clock suits me much better x
Hi Lou, my boyfriend and I keep arguing over what to call our new cat. Have you got any suggestions on how we can resolve this? I’m getting desperate.
Hi Desperate,
Depending on the weather I’ve got two suggestions, make of them what you will:
1. On a cold evening when no one is around find yourself a dimly lit carpark (I’d recommend getting there slightly earlier than your bf and breaking a nearby security light yourself if you find the area too well lit),make sure your car boot is cleared out and lined with some form of plastic sheeting. Then grab a tire iron, a mask and your unsuspecting boyfriend. CAT NAMING CRISIS SOLVED.
2. If this kicker of a dilemma drags out into the warmer months then why not take a wander down to a shallow pond with a hessian sack, some well heeled boots (preferably with steel caps) a bottle of absinthe and your boyfriend. CAT NAMING CRISIS SOLVED.
Regardless of which option you choose make sure on returning home that you take a loaded shot gun and shoot yourself in the head, or stab your eyes out with spoons, that way you can be sure never to ever bother someone with a question like that again – I mean you sat down at a computer, logged on and emailed me that question – a question about cats!
I don’t think the universe will ever be able to apologise enough for your creation!
That said, I’ve always liked the name Ruffy for a cat.
If you have any questions you’d like answererd each week please email to lousanzcares@gmail.comLou
x
As published on The Vine 2010.