- Soft candles – check
- Billy Joel love-making soundtrack – check
- Dog locked out – check
- Temperature just right – check
- Billy Joel love-making soundtrack destroyed in mysterious house fire – check
- Incense…lots of incense…because we can’t quite seem to shake the smell of –
‘Urine’ my partner confirmed. ‘The whole room smells like urine.’
Then he sniffed me.
‘It’s you. You smell like wee.’
‘That’s ok’ I cooed ‘it’s just a little leak, we can push through.’
I burped – ‘wasn’t me’ I giggled ‘it’s the baby. They must be awake.’
And with that, my partner rolled off me.
‘You really smell like wee, it’s quite intense.’
I heaved myself up onto my new, yet-to-be colostrum stained U-Pillow.
‘You’ll need to get changed’ he stated ‘and wash.’
‘What are we talking?’ I asked ‘Flannel wash? Laundry trough dip or are you suggesting full shower?’
He took another sniff.
‘Shower. I’ll be needing the trough to soak your pyjamas.’
Since getting pregnant my body has been full of surprises – finding ingrown hairs under my boobs – where no hair had lived before; something I like to call Circular Vomiting much like circular breathing, except, vomit forms in my stomach, comes out through my nose into my mouth and because I’m driving and can’t pull over, I’m forced to swallow it back into my lungs and nearly die. REPEAT. Then there’s hair that grows across your stomach giving the illusion of a moustached man being trapped inside you. And though there are many others wonderful #miracles I’ve been experiencing none have thwarted me as much as the leakage.
The constant leakage.
I was at Pilates (because I’m one those really fit pregnant woman – see pic) getting my leg extensions on when I felt a warm liquid start running down my grey leggings. It was also at that exact moment I saw the horror in the other members of the class who for some reason were positioned opposite to me, as they too saw the amber liquid trickle down my leg.
‘Lou’ my instructor quietly said ‘do you want to go get yourself cleaned up?’
I raised my leg in defiance, displaying the full-scale saturation that had engulfed my crutch
‘Nup, I’m good, still got two more sets to go.’
And with that I squeezed, maintaining eye contact with everyone the whole time.
But even I knew as acted out urine soaked vengeance on my Pilates class that I couldn’t go on like this forever. That at some point I would need to concede that I had a bladder problem, albeit a temporary one, but a problem just the same and I needed to face up to it.
Driving home that night I pulled into a pharmacy and found myself standing in front of the incontinence shelf. Based on the amount of incontinence ads I’d seen on midday TV I guess I was expecting more of an entire aisle dedicated to leakage, but alas, I’d make do with just a shelf. Now, at 28 weeks pregnant I needed to decide what sort of leaker I was, a decision, if I was being honest, I wouldn’t have thought I’d needed to make at least until I was 60 years old, at least.
Was I A Sneezer-Leaker?
A Dog Walking-Leaker?
A Making-Just-An-F**kin-Cup-of-Tea Leaker?
Or was I…
A Just-Being-Alive Leaker?
An Everyday Saturator?
A Cold-Drip Urinator?
Answer – I was all of the above. I am all of the above. I’m an All-Day, Every-Day Leaker. Feel my moistness!
Arriving home I told my partner about my latest self-realisation. He hugged me,let me know it was all going to be ok. That this was only temporary and that there was nothing I could do that would turn him away from me. It was a relief to hear.
‘Lou’ JK whispered as he hugged me close.
‘Yes?’ I cooed back.
‘Did you just wee on me?’
‘Yes, yes I did.’
He started to cry.
‘There, there…’I comforted him.
‘It’s nothing a shower won’t fix.’