Last night I was woken by an anxious friend calling me from overseas concerned that her boyfriend was on the verge of cheating on her.
‘It’s horrible, like I know he’s not right now cause he’s making me a smoothie but when he asked if I wanted avocado I just thought of my god that’s her vagina and him making me the smoothie well that’s just him metaphorically f**king her.’
‘With the avocado?’
‘No, she is the avocado. Don’t you see?’
‘He’s not going to cheat on you with an avocado, there’s not enough room’ I mumbled as I rolled onto my side and was greeted with my flashing clock and the reminder it was 3am – clearly finest advice given hour.
‘It’s my own fault you know, I hired her for this campaign and she’s his ‘free walk around the park.’ Oh my god, I’m Jennifer Aniston. I can literally feel the pity of others dripping off me.’
‘Not that this is important, but you do know it’s free to walk around a park?’
‘Not in LA Lou.’
My pillow fell on my face but to my shock and horror I was still able to breathe…f**k I can’t even muffle myself properly at this hour…
‘So what she’s his ‘if I could cheat on you it would be with her’?! Everyone knows they’re just the thing of fiction, something couples do to add meaning to a relationship.’
‘You so know this is how it started with Brad and Angelina.’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘Him and Jen were just kicking back at their house in Malibu and Jen’s all like she’d so go Captain Picard – ‘
‘-Captain Picard, from Star Trek?’
‘- yes Lou, he’s very commanding and anyway I thought you liked bald?’
‘I’ve done bald, but it never set a precedent.’
‘That’s a shame; I think you and the Captain would work well together.’
‘He’s not real’
‘Those things from your past you’ve called relationships aren’t what we’d call real either but let’s not split hairs, I was talking about Jen and Brad.’
‘Yes, back to those close friends of ours.’
‘Don’t get sarky.’
‘And so am I Lou, from this constant fight to keep my man.’
My pillow smelled nice, I could feel my oxygen levels running low…
‘Well they were just hanging and she’s like her night on the town would be Captain Picard and Brad laughs and knocks back some carb-free popcorn and Jen tickles him until he admits he’d so go Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and then they both laugh cause they know they’ll never cheat on each other cause their cheats are fictional characters and then Jen’s like ‘hey Brad, we just got this script, it’s called Mr & Mrs Smith I’m thinking of producing it post Friends and then BOOM he’s suddenly adopting Asians.’
I hung up, still alive.
Now a few years back when I was living in London I’d had this same conversation with my then boyfriend who at every turn made it very clear he was never out to impress me.
‘Any page 3 girl’ he said. ‘You know just for something different.’
‘Different how?’ I asked
‘You know naked with boobs.’
‘Oh as opposed to myself?’
‘Well I can see you naked any time I want so it doesn’t count.’
‘I can guarantee you from this point on you will not be able to see me naked anytime you want.’
‘You going all frigid or something?’
‘Yes, that’s it. I’m going all frigid or something.’
The conversation had been prompted when my ‘night off’ guy had moved into the same street as us, Matt Day, previously of A Country Practice…ok, so it had been a long time between long term relationships and I hadn’t gotten around to updating my list. It happens to the best of us.
‘You have to change your guy’ my boyfriend stated.
‘Cause he now lives next door.’
‘You’re more inclined to have sex with him if the he’s next door. It’s a presented opportunity now.’
‘I don’t want to have sex with him.’
‘It doesn’t matter if you do or you don’t.’
‘I think you’ll find it does both legally and human rights wise’
He closed his copy of the Mirror, Sandra from Cheshire’s breasts saw the light of day no more…
‘No. You see if we’re together forever then he’s your only way out, whereas I get page 3 ladies and Julie Sawahla but only from her Press Gang days, you’ve should’ve given yourself more options.’
‘So you’re saying I either sleep with Matt Day, cause that’s bound to happen at some point when he walks past our flat with his baby and wife, or never sleep with anyone but you ever again?’
‘Yes. It’s really a concept that doesn’t involve that much thought Lou.’
‘There’s a lot things in this room at the moment that don’t require much thought…’
We’re not together anymore. 15 years on (yes, it was that long ago I made him my ‘get out of jail free card’) and Matt Day is still a hottie, but as my relationship ended and I matured with age I was very aware of the severe limitations I’d placed on myself with only one option, now I have more, starting with Ron Weasley and ending with Shaun Micallef (yeah, I just haven’t made my career more awkward). That is why there is now a chair on my front porch, just in case they move in down the street.