Yes, so it’s day 1 of Falls Festival 2010. So far I’ve been told where the toilets will be set up eventually up and in the mean time to use a well positioned tree, I’m short enough and I’ve also completely alienated myself for the remainder of the festival from the campers to the right of me – a group of fit looking, young 20 something girls, the sort you could bounce off walls and I say that with a degree of jealously and 30 something loathing and envy – I call it ‘lonvy’. (Please note, it is yet to catch on, and before you email me pointing that out, quite clearly I’ve just acknowledged it, so best you go back to emailing Scarlett Johanssen about that dream you’ve been having of late about her, you know the one where you wake up wet and covered in shame…). I’ve managed to not make firm and fast friends here, but not for lack of trying.
Ok, so I was brushing my teeth in the dark, as you do, when I stumbled onto the girls next door trying to erect their tent, and to their credit they were trying to do it without tops on – yes, that porno my ex once dreamed up and pitched to me was about to come true. They scurried to cover themselves up as soon as they sensed my presence, but who was I to rest on ceremony?
‘Don’t cover up on my account’ I remarked, suddenly painfully aware of lack of bra beneath layers of tracksuit jumpers and gravity. ‘It’s nothing I haven’t seen before’ and yes, I said it with all the creepy the weight of a peodophile languishing casually outside a school playground. The girls moved faster to cover themselves up and as such I just kept going with it..’I’ve got my own pair you see, but they’re just a lot bigger than any of yours.’ Yep, what followed was a well deserved silence. ‘Um, no I didn’t mean it like that, I meant that if I could I would get around erecting tents with my top off too, not that I haven’t erected a tent in my time and I’m sure my pair have something to do with it if you get my drift (note, a blind Japanese whaler would have gotten my drift), if anything I’m just really jealous, cause by the looks of things you don’t need much support do you?…like you’d do a nice strappy sundress the justice it deserved right?’ Again silence, followed by me removing myself from the situation and now I’m sitting in my tent by the light of my torch waiting for them to go to bed before I position myself outside their tent for the evening and just watch them sleep.