‘It’s not a blind date Lou, it’s a favour, you’d be doing me a favour’ my friend told me as she picked out a fresher mango then the one she was currently holding in the supermarket.
‘If he just wants to be shown around town then why don’t you take him?’ My latte had grown cold in the fruit and vegie section and it was taking all my self-control not to express my irritation as the soy milk started to dribble over my hand.
‘Because I’m married Lou, to be honest it beggars belief you’d even ask me why I wouldn’t take a single man on a turn about town.’
‘So you are trying to set me up on a date then?’
‘Oh don’t be so dramatic, it’s just a favour, like I said a favour you’d be doing me.’
‘Listen I’m not really up for it at the moment, I’ve got a mountain of work to get through – why don’t you just put him on the City Circle Tram, I mean it’s free.’
‘Because I care about my friends Lou’. We neared the check out and I decided against trying a Milky Way – I could wait another 15 years for that flavour sensation.
‘I care about my friends.’
‘Just not my friends Lou, is that it?’
‘Oh I don’t even know him enough to know I don’t care about him.’
‘Well if you go in with an attitude like that then to your relationships of course they fail.’
‘We’re not talking about my relationships.’
‘Well someone has to – I mean a screenplay isn’t going to marry you Lou.’
‘That makes no sense’ I spat back.
‘A screenplay isn’t going to go down on you when all is said and done.’
The check-out chick avoided eye-contact with me as I helped place the groceries on the belt.
‘Let’s not talk about this here at a check -out in the supermarket.’
‘Oh fine Lou, when would be a good time to talk about it?’
‘Never!’ I shouted back ‘There is never ever a good time to talk about that in public, never!’
‘Well I hope you and you’re time machine are very happy Lou.’
‘What? Why are we talking about time machines?’
‘Cause you’ll need one when you go back to the 1950’s and hang out with all your sexually repressed friends.’
‘Fine, me and my Delorian will be very happy. Thank you.’
I left the supermarket feeling flustered after once again having to defend my reluctance to discuss oral sex in the supermarket check-out. Yes, I had issues but on the grand scale of issues one might have I really didn’t think it was a big enough one to take issue with….and so I agreed to take this boy for a turn around town, so he emailed me…
…a detailed quiz that he wanted me to take before meeting me in person….
From: The Boy
Subject: Prep work
Dear Louise (I know that people refer to you as ‘Lou’ but it a masculine name and as such will refer to you as Louise).
I am a friend of Carol and Mark’s. We met at NSW University in 1998 when I was undertaking my Bachelor of Economics. Upon graduation I was fast tracked into an internship position of KPMG – given you work in the arts I understand if your understanding of high finance is somewhat retarded but I’m sure there will be other things to discuss upon our meeting. I have moved to Melbourne following my completion of my CPA and MBA in Hong Kong and am looking to devote my time to my personal life for the next 3-4 years with a goal to be being a father and husband by 2013. I also enjoy soccer and movies.
It is always hard meeting new people. It is something I have always struggled with but Carol assures me that your people skills are lacking to and I’m sure given you work in comedy that you will understand my reference to us being perhaps “two peas in the pod”
If you could complete the following quiz by COB (that means Close of Business – pardon my business jargon) I would be most grateful.
1. Do you have a 5 year plan?
2. Do you have health insurance? if so, who is your plan with?
3. Please list your top 3 boys names in order of preference.
4. Do you believe in Jesus or carry any belief in a higher power?
5. What is your favourite pizza?
6. How many intimate encounters do you feel is adequate for a relationship per year?
7. Do you enjoy movies? I very much liked The Da Vinci Code.
I look forward to reading your replies.
To: The Boy
Subject: RE: Prep work
I can fit you in for a coffee late Saturday afternoon to show you where the tram leaves from. Meet at Fed Square at 5pm. I can spare only an hour – the Bill is on that night.
….and so I went to meet him, to fulfill a favour to a friend who to be honest I didn’t really like anymore and I’d really only ever liked her husband – I was pretty sure he was gay and I loved how after a few drinks he would talk about other men’s bottoms and involuntary erections around his best mate Stevo and then I’d sit back and watch as my friend Carol would stab herself in the thigh with a fork hoping no one would notice.
I knew it was him approaching by the way his shirt was tucked into jeans and holstered up by a Rivers Belt and what was no doubt a River’s sweater tied around his waist, and he also carried that unmistakable look of utter disappointment as he saw me trying to re-stick the sole to my shoe without the aid of glue and the power of my mind.
‘Hi, you must be Louise.’
‘Yep, but you can call me Lou.’
“I’d rather not.’
‘I’d rather you did’
..let the stalemate begin.
‘Ummm… would you like a coffee?’ I asked
‘No, I’ve bought my own drink’ and with that he pulled out a half drunk bottle of Gatorade.
‘Wow, so you bring your own liquid?’ I asked
‘No sense starting one drink when I haven’t finished the other.’
‘Fair call’ I remarked, trying to figure out how many styling products he was using in his hair.
‘So – I was thinking we could jump on tram- ‘
‘- let me stop you there Louise.’
‘Whatever, listen you’re not really the sort of girl I usually hang out with.’
‘Yeah, it’s just that..you’re not Asian enough.’
‘Yeah, I’ve got a really thing for Asians…but hey I guess I could work around it, for one night anyway – what are your thoughts on liquid eye-liner?’
‘Um, you won’t be working around anything’ I spat out. ‘I’m just meant to put you on a tram, and in answer to your question I prefer a pencil for my eyes.’
‘No need to get angry Louise just because you don’t live up the most average of my expectations and come on I mean you didn’t even fill out the quiz so you must’ve known I’d already be dissappointed with you.’
‘Of course I didn’t do your quiz – who would?’
‘An Asian would.’
‘That’s incredibly racist.’
‘They’re just a diligent culture Louise and looking at you I think you’re of European extraction, what we might call a wog – you people are far too Australianised.’
‘I’m not a wog.’
‘Don’t ethnic bash Louise, it’s really unattractive – I watch SBS.’
He sipped from his Gatorade.
‘Tell me Louise, do you get much sun? Because for an ethnic you look very pale.’
I got up to leave.
‘Oh I knew this would happen, Carol said you were very highly strung.’
‘I’m going now.’
‘Ok, but look so things didn’t work out with us, I’ve got a friend and he’s really into masculine women – would you like to meet him?’
‘I’d rather eat myself out thank you.’
..and with that I became the person I hated, I became Carol with her lust for talking about oral sex in public.
As I left Fed Square my phone rang, it was Carol.
‘So how did it go?’
‘He’s an idiot, a racist idiot.’
‘Oh did he bring up the Asian thing?’
‘You knew about that?’
‘Well in certain lights Lou you could pass even you’d have to admit that.’
I hung up.