‘I don’t think it was that creepy’ he said, as I watched my friend lament with furrowed brow our decision to sit near the outdoor heater.
‘I thought it would be a good ice-breaker, you know straight off the bat we’d have something in common, you know like sharing a mother.’
‘Coming up to me and telling me we share the same birthday is not the same as sharing the same mother.’
‘Well it’s in the same vein.’
‘No, no it isn’t.’
‘But you get my point.’
‘Ok…’ I stabbed at a chip, momentarily thought about world hunger and then ate it.
‘Anyway at the time I thought you’d think it was cute.’
‘You Googled me, there’s really nothing cute about that. Stalkerish, yes – but cute, I’m not sure the whole opinion on guys who watch girls through their window while they stand wanking in the dark has somehow defaulted to cute in recent years, but hey I could be wrong, I could be out of touch with the zeitgeist’
‘It wasn’t any information I couldn’t find on your Facebook page Lou. I also know you like Kate Cebrano, hugs, Hamish and Andy and think you’re like Rizzo from the popular movie of the day; Grease.’
I poured myself another drink and being the polite girl that I am, I refilled his glass as well and then knocked it over – game on.
‘And for your information no one watches someone through a window anymore, we have Google Maps now Lou, Google Maps and last time I checked you don’t live in a black spot, in fact you live in a highly urbanised area.’ He paused a moment ‘ok, that was creepy.’
‘You were trying to sleep with me.’
‘Granted yes, but you have to admit it was smoother then buying you a drink, lacing it with something illegal/something I’d ground together myself out of over the counter meds and then trying to convince you that I too liked Kate Cebrano, cause come on Lou, no one really likes Kate Cebrano, well other than woman with a thing for minimising underwear and 90’s melancholy.’
‘But everyone’s got to be wanted, got to be loved.’
‘Don’t do that Lou.’
‘Sorry.’ I smooshed another chip. I would kill them all by the time the evening drew to a close.
Our conversation on dodgy ways to approach people you fancied had been brought on by a note that had only in recent hours been bought to my attention.
‘What’s with all the smiley faces on it?’ my friend remarked as he examined it further ‘oh my god, is that smiley face pregnant? And did you spill water on it?’
I shook my head ‘I don’t think its water…’
The note had appeared in my letterbox and contained some pleasantries, a little picture or two, ok well pictures that could’ve quite easily been interpreted if you turned the paper upside down as suggested activities for the two of us and a little reminder signed with a flourish to give this him a call sometime. The problem was, I didn’t know who he was and at first thought that this note was clearly not intended for me.
‘It says “Hi Lou Sanz.”
‘What have a told you about being specific with me?’ I attempted to argue back.
‘I think it’s fair enough to say that this note is pick-up note.’
‘Well, well done Sherlock, time for your opiates yet?’
‘Hey don’t get snarky at me Sanz.’
‘Well then don’t call me a shark.’
‘I didn’t call you a shark, now did I Lou…’
It wasn’t his fault, he was right, I needed to keep my snarkiness to myself, it was just that in recent months I’d had a spate of guys trying to access me via email, notes, f**king carrier pigeon, radar, apparently if you listened to rumour; Google Maps and it was this avoidance of any of them to deal with me in the flesh (5’3” can be very intimidating I’ve been told) had in fact got me so frustrated that I ended up asking one of them out myself and before you ask, that encounter had been such a resounding success that we pretty much went straight back to dealing with each other via trained Siberian huskies and last time I checked one of them had been shot dead by a penguin poacher.
I put the note away.
‘Are you going to call him?’
‘There’s a clear, unidentifiable liquid on it, so no, I think not.’
‘Too bad, he has really nice penmanship and anyway that stuff might just be cat piss.’
‘It doesn’t make it any better.’
Finally unable to take the heat anymore he clicked off the heater.
‘You know what Lou, I reckon what’s happening here is a demonstration of your standards being slightly too high, I mean let’s not kid ourselves here, you are kinda like a diamond in the rough.’
…I started having violent image flashbacks to the Disney cartoon Aladdin….
‘Diamond in the rough, like I know I’ve been a bit lazy with my eyebrows of late, but I’ve made an appointment for Saturday so maybe just lay-off.’
‘Yeah, I noticed the eyebrows but you’re an ethnic so it’s all good…no what I was getting at…I’m saying that it’s like you’re not an obvious choice and so all this research is their way of understanding you.’
‘You’re making me sound like a deaf kid in a movie where her family and friends finally come to terms with the person she really beneath the hearing loss.’
‘Don’t play the disabled card Lou’
‘I don’t need to be understood, I need them to fulfil two very basic functions – to make me laugh and to make me…well I won’t go into that…’
‘Hey, maybe that’s what’s on the note…it is a little moist.’
‘What? Are all the guys I know latent sex-offenders!’
‘Don’t marginalise us Lou; I’m just trying to help.’
‘No you’re not, you just insinuated that some guy did something to a innocent note and left it for me to find and even if we never see each other again he can quite possibly rest assured in the knowledge that I’ve touched some part of him – you’re all wrong.’
We sat in paused silence for a bit.
‘Look if it makes you feel any better maybe we can get someone to watch you house tonight, you know just to be on the safe side.’
‘Oh there’s a gang of you now?’
‘I’m ok, it was just a note, and it’s all pretty harmless.’
‘Well don’t blame me if you hear noises in your bushes tonight.’
‘Don’t be gross.’
‘Anyway, you told me with today’s technology you guys prefer to be seedy and inappropriate from the comfort of your own home.’
‘Oh that’s true, but you know what Lou, sometimes there’s nothing like a classic window loiter, that freedom of having your hands down your pants, knowing that the world is yours and that you still hold the potential to do some good in this life.’
‘You think about all of that when you’ve got your hands down your pants.’
‘Well obviously I’m paraphrasing…’
We went to part ways…
‘Sleep well Lou.’
‘Yeah, you too.’
‘And remember if you hear anyone outside tonight you can rest assured it won’t be one of us.’
‘Oh cheers, thanks for that.’
‘Anytime Lou, that’s what special friends are for…ok, that was creepy.’
‘Yes, yes it was.’
‘I like to be consistant.’
‘Good to know.’