If only you looked more like a man…

I did a gig recently where the theme was love stories…


I thought I’d tell you a little love story, dating back to my formative years – I’m ok with it, I’m just going to say it, it was the 90’s and what with the recent release of both Four Weddings and a Funeral and Reality Bites – I think it’s fair to say the world was looking for a little bit of love – we all were.


My birthday was just around the corner and my boyfriend let’s just call him Trent – I’m not very good with faces – he was the love of my life, at the time, in 1994.


Trent had thrown up on me at a friend’s party a few months earlier. It was raining that night and rather then go inside, I found myself covered in vomit, wet, holding his head up over a bucket and falling in love in only the way a slightly overweight teenage girl can with an unwanted hair problem could…


But it was now my birthday coming up and he had arranged for me a party – he told me he wanted it to be our special night together.  I think he was motivated by a desire to sex me, but little did he know I’d given it up only 18 months earlier to his older brother and was now holding out for someone special, Jonathan Brandis from SeaQuest DSV – but hey we all miss the boat from time to time.


The party was due to take place on the Friday and almost as if fated my first proper crush since Astro Boy/ Aladdin from the Disney movie rang me; he was coming down from Sydney that very weekend and wanted to see me. His name was Julian and we’d met sailing. I always thought we had a little bit of the chemistry between us, but it turned out that was just my imagination, he liked boys, a lot, but hey, I wasn’t about to give up on him, I was planning on buying to wear at my party a Portman’s Limited Edition Pirate shirt and matching waist coat – I was certain with that combination I could turn him in my favour.


Of course there was the little problem of Trent being my boyfriend and everything but we were both fools if we didn’t acknowledge that there had been problems brewing between us of late. He’d recently admitted that he only had a feigned interest in the X-Files – a revelation that had left me cold to his touch, which coupled with his outlandish suggestions of growing out my fringe, I’ll be honest, I’d begun to push away from him.


Friday arrived too soon but by the time I’d gotten to Portman’s that afternoon all the pirate shirts were gone, sure I could’ve gone with a long flannel shirt over leggings  but I already felt on the back foot in my birthday seduction of Julian and so I settled on tartan hot pants and a matching body suit. Looking back I think I can firmly now say there can sometimes be cases of where too much tartan is not a good thing – but hopefully my lace bolero jacket and matching gloves would turn things around.


I arrived at my house around 6.30pm, expecting to hear the Fresh Prince of Bel proclaiming to Boom Boom boom – shake da room – but it was total silence. My hot pants were already beginning to chaff; I’d started to rethink breaking up with Trent for Julian, maybe I was dreaming a dream too big and then the door opened and there he was Julian with a big grin on his face and with his dads old Frankie Says Relax t-shirt on and I knew that very second that everything was going to be alright – we were both big fans of Frankie Goes to Hollywood. This was going to work out a-ok.


 I hugged him tightly as Trent came out behind him clutching a bunch of CD’s.


‘Where is everyone’ I asked, adjusting my acrylic/ lace bolero jacket that had started to itch on my bare skin.


Trent went on to explain that he had never planned a party – just an intimate dinner of McDonalds and 7-Eleven Slurpee’s for the two of us – but it was all cool that Julian had shown up, no need to panic, Trent reassured me had over ordered on the chicken nuggets and there was heaps to go around.


As I sat on the floor trying to cross my legs, but really my shorts were far too tight – watching Trent and Julian get along like a couple of girlfriends sifting through my cd collection – I realised that I was a very lucky girl for I had two men in my life that cared about me deeply – one was my boyfriend and the other the unrequited love of my life – I smirked to myself – who says you can’t have it all eh?


Maybe it was time, maybe it was the fact that Trent’s dad, an airline pilot, got a transfer to Sydney – but we soon broke up after that party – it was as if time just didn’t want us to be together anymore.


Julian and I sporadically kept in touch via email, but I would always wear my heart on my sleeve when it came to him and so when he sent me a request to join him on MSN messenger I pretended as if I never got that email notification – I sent it straight through to my bulk mail folder.


Years passed and eventually I moved to London, where one day I found myself atop a double decker bus, listening to my ipod – gone were the days of CD’s – it was now a different time – when suddenly someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and it was Julian – looking as dashing as ever – we talked for a bit and he told me he was doing great, in fact he’d recently gotten married under the new civil partnerships law in the UK. My heart tingled a little – he’d found love and  confronting as that was for me I wished him all the best and hoped one day I might meet this man who had swept my Julian off his feet. ‘Well why wait forever’ remarked Julian ‘anyway, you already know him…I’m sure you remember..’ and then coming up the little stair case laden with Tesco’s groceries emerged Trent – Julian’s new husband – it turned out going back all those years that they had something slightly more in common then their shared disdain for my CD collection and now they were both blissfully in love. Hey delightful I told them both- Trent joked that he had no immediate plans to see the new X-files movie and oh how we laughed….


Now just a quick aside, I find that it is rather hard to get off a moving double decker bus in London but I found that if you just fling yourself hard enough at the glass windows they do eventually give way and then it’s just a matter of tucking and rolling on impact as you hit the road below.


I don’t know about you guys – but I’ve always been a sucker for happy endings and the love story between Trent and Julian I think we can all agree reminds us never ever to introduce people you fancy to other people you know. Sure it works out for them, but all you end up with is a dislocated shoulder and a dislocated shoulder and bone fracture isn’t quite love now is it?





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