Not to long ago I went on a date with someone. Things looked promising that is until he asked me what my favourite colour was; when I responded ‘red’ rather then smile with the knowing that comes with sitting opposite me complete with red lipstick and nails, he merely got out a notepad and pen and said ‘you’ll have to pick another one, that’s already taken’.
‘Already taken?’ I asked quizzically ‘ are we playing a game?’
‘No, it’s just I like to colour code everyone in my life and red just happens to be taken’ He waited, pen poised for my next suggestion.
‘Ok, well I’ve always quite liked green’ and in an awkward attempt to flirt, as I leaned across the table and traced my red nails over his hand ‘I especially like green on dark haired boys.’
Pulling his hand away to flick through his notepad he let out a gentle sigh ‘nup, sorry – gone’.
I slumped back into my seat and closed my legs. ‘Ok fine, why don’t you tell me what’s available and I’ll be that’.
As he took the last piece of bread in the basket, he chewed silently for a moment and then with his mouth still full remarked ‘well, there’s lilac or mahogany brown’.
Now, I don’t know about any other ladies out there but the idea of being assigned a colour usually relegated to the 1990’s or a Harvey Norman catalogue wasn’t really what I had in mind, surely I was good enough to claim a primary colour? I mean we were on a date, he could’ve just lied, but as was the case with most men I’d been meeting of late, this one had a flare for the truth.
‘I don’t want to be a catalogue colour’ I mumbled, tearing at my drink coaster.
‘I don’t really think you’re in a position to choose Lou – I mean did you honestly think you’d risen to the ranks of being allocated a primary colour?’
I said nothing, as my eyes scoured the restaurant for a bar tender.
He smiled to himself as he shut his notepad ‘oh, you did – you thought you were better then mahogany brown – oh how cute. That’s why I like you Lou you always dream big but end up getting woken right before the end.’
I contemplated emptying the ash tray of beer liquid that had somehow found a home there when he placed his hand over mine.
‘If it makes you feel any better, most of the woman I date get a little upset about the colour code thing.’
‘Most of the woman?’
Like an impending sex offender he grabbed my hand harder and looked into my eyes.
‘That’s kinda what got this whole colour coded thing started’.
I pulled away and began fingering my pasta.
‘So this whole colour coding thing is a new thing?’
‘Yep, it’s the only way I know to tell all you girls apart’.
Ok – so it’s now at this point that most people ask ‘where the fuck do you meet these guys Lou?’ And it is at this point in my life that I say ‘I choose not to answer that, just leave me alone – life is a journey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
‘Tell us apart!?!’ I yelled – the whole restaurant turned.
‘Hey, lower your voice Lou’
‘That’s ok, apology accepted’ He looked around the restaurant, most people had returned to their meals.
‘Tell us apart?’ I whispered harshly ‘have you ever thought of just looking at our faces, it’s generally how people tell people apart.’
‘Conventionally yes, but when you’re seeing more then one girl at once it can get confusing’
‘you’re seeing someone else?’
‘I’m a player Lou, you know that.’
‘No I didn’t – you failed to mention it between the whole – I’ve never met anyone like you bullshit you were peddling’
‘Ok Lou, now you’re just being petulant’
I drained the last of my wine.
‘So, who is she? This ‘other’ girl?’
‘It wouldn’t be ethical of me to name names’
‘This isn’t a war crimes tribunal’ I spat out.
‘Fine, but if I tell you we’re splitting cheesecake for desert – deal?’
I pondered it a moment – the cheese cake did look good….very good….
‘The other girl is the colour red’
I was quiet for a moment. The funny thing is I would of been fine had she been beige or bisque – but red – my colour!
‘That’s funny’ I said ‘Cause you’re about to see red’
And with that I poked him in the eye with my desert fork. No cheesecake for me.